1) sleeing in your own bed after you’ve been away 2) when you make someone else’s day 3) being sent mail 4) listening to your favorite songs on repeat 5) when you arrive just as the bus is pulling up 6) people who just ‘get’ you 7) finding things you thought you’d lost 8) checking the time and it’s exactly 11:11 9) making it home just before it rains 10) waking up with text messages
i am starting to realise so much, some of which i don’t like, but i know it’s what’s best for me, i am not letting myself be sad anymore, i am better then that, we all are. if you think happy, even through the hard times, you’ll be happy. without happiness we don’t have anything but misery and sorrow and that’s something we don’t need, not at all. and at certain points we all need to realise certain things, even if we don’t want to, we have to do it otherwise we’ll be stuck in the same hole forever. moving on is a part of life, and we all have to endure it at some point in time, it sucks, but if we don’t move past the things which bring us down, we’ll be brought down for the rest of ourlives. sure, we’re not going to forget it, not just like that but we have to learn there is no shame in forgetting the things which cause us pain. we all have to look out for ourselves, noone else will. we are aloud to be upset and cry, it’s something we’re all going to go through a thousand times, but thing is you can’t let it become you, i’ve been there, and it’s not a nice place. i’m learning that i’m important enough not to be treated like shit, i expect it, but i don’t entirely let it get to me anymore. i’ll shrug it off like anything else. because why waste you’re time? we’re all better then the bullshit we’re put through, and it’s time to realise not to stand for any of it, we are all enough and we deserve every tiny bit of happiness. i don’t like it, i am scared but i’m putting myself back out there, because truth is i’m not going to let myself be alone for any longer. and if taking risks and biting my tongue is what i have to do, then that’s what i am going to do. because i want happiness, and that’s what i will get. i’ll find it somehow
it’s 7:51 am and i am up, for some reason i am always up these days. but at least i’m not wasting my day away in bed. i was thinking about settling for less and i’m just wondering why we do. we can settle for less in a ton of situations really, but i’m thinking about friendship and relationship wise. and i guess that’s all i’m ever talking about, and thinking about, past friendships and such. but i just feel so worn out by one in particular, it’s one of those complete messy and fucked situations that you’re left having no clue whatsoever as to what to do about it. and you feel you’re always trying your hardest to work it out, with them, or just in your head, either way you’re trying to make it better, somehow. what happends when everything changes with that person, like everything. when you don’t know what to say anymore, but you don’t want to stop talking. or what happends when you lose that sense of trying to make it better? and you stand and watch and it all fades away but it still hurts. and i guess there is nothing you can really do when you don’t feel it anymore, when for once you want the other to try and to make it better, insteand their waiting around for the ‘right time’ or moment. but thing is, life isn’t full of time, sure we have twenty four hours on the clock each day, but how many of those seconds have gone to waste sitting around waiting. if you want something to happen, you need to make it happen. people don’t wait forever, and people get tired of waiting and when you’re tired you lose everything you thought you felt you were waiting for. and you feel bad because you’re still hoping that one day he’ll come and tell you ‘it’s time’, and you actually feel that you might tell him no. and what i began to say about settling is that when you stick around because you don’t where but somewhere in you, you feel something left for that person and you couldn’t stand to hurt them by walking away, no matter the time they’ve put on the table. no matter how much you feel you’re better then it, you still want to put everything into that person. because if we wait, and then walk away, what did we wait for? so much time passed with nothing for show, noone really wants that. we want what we’ve waited for, right? i don’t know if settling is a bad thing, or if it really had anything to do with what i’m ranting on about but sometimes i guess we look past everything else because even if we don’t admit it we’re still in love with that person, we’d do anything to have them, we’ll wait for an overdue amount of time, without even knowing it
it’s nights like this i just feel like going away and never coming back. and that nothing else would feel right unless i escape from here. i hate that i feel so happy, and then one tiny thing brings me back down again. all of a sudden it’s like i’ve bin hit by a semi trailer, this sucks. this really fucking sucks
so i feel like writing about love. i’m not too sure why, i don’t know alot of love, to be honest, i’m not even entirely sure if i’ve felt it. you know, we all fall into the trap of thinking we’re in love, and thinking it’s what we’re feeling for someone. but we’re so young right? we’ve merely met a small faction of who’ll we’ll meet in our exact life time, and we will probably look back on our teen years and think 'i wasn't in love then' and i think that’s sad, because we all want to believe it’s love once you’ve found someone great. maybe we do feel it, and i’d like to think we do. but it’s confused for sex, for lust, for settleing, for confidence everyday, so i wonder how we know if it’s actual love or not. i don’t think we should look it up in the dictionary, or on google, or ask other people 'what is love?' because it really should just be what you feel for someone, and that should be what love is, how we see things when were with another, how they make us feel, because noone can really explain love, even once you’ve felt it. love is unexplainable, even writing about it sucks, because the words never come out exactly right. sometimes i wonder if love is real, because it seems little shady to me, it comes in doses, it comes in disguies and it comes and goes. and after it fall we do question love. but if you really think about it, no matter who you are, you know some kind of love at the moment, you may not be feeling it, but it’ll be around you, in some form. half of the world is made of love, if you really think about it. and i think that’s nice, sometimes just to stop and think about things. although i do think alot, alot alot, but i like it. because at least i know my mind is awake and working, i’m not good at school or things like that, but at least i’m thinking about everything, whatever it may be. i’ve gone off track abit hay, i don’t know what to say i guess. we look for love in everything, and everyone, so that’s how we believe all of the time it is love. and i surpose it’s not too much of a bad thing, right?
i think i am going to stop being such a careless idiot, and put some effort in, i am going to apply for the art course next year, so what you have to submit a portfolio? i mean, i’m not the greatest, but it’s worth a shot and seeing as i am in love with art + being creative, what do i have to lose? i really don’t know what’s the matter with me lately. i don’t understand why i feel i am not good enough, and why i don’t even bother trying for the things i realy want to do. i’m sure i could handle putting a few of my best work together, even if i don’t get in, at least i tryed, for once. once again, i feel so strongy that i am begining to change, and i love it on the days i just feel happy and want to sing and dance and be a total fool. today i went walking in the rain with my new camera and took some photographs and after i got home i felt, well, what’s the word? at peace? no that’s gay. i don’t know, but i felt okaywith myself. i love the feeling i get when i do the things that make me happy. like i’ve stoped being such an asshole in art class and actually painting, actually doing art. whether it was good or not, i don’t care, it just made me feel good. back to not knowing what’s wrong with me, i always seem to find myself wondering. well, whatever is it, i am slowly getting rid of it. at least it feels like i am. i have no idea what it is, but inside me i feel change. and that’s a lovely feeling. i didn’t go to school today, but tomorrow, hopefully i have art, and i think i will work on some things to put into my portfolio.
it’s really hard to forget certain things sometimes. it’s depends on the worth, whether it meant everything to you at some point, or whether it meant little. if something meant little and was merely significant to your life, then sure, you’re fine to forget it. but what happends when this certain thing, you held it so close to your heart? you spend days on end with this certain thing on your mind? you worried, you tryed, you hoped and loved til your heart was so sore, you had no choice but to give in. but giving in is different then forgetting, it’s different then falling out of love, it’s just giving in, admitting you can’t do it. no matter the feelings still kept inside, you have to give it up, for better or worse. and, still you find yourself on a dayly base just missing it, whether you contemplate your actual thoughts for it or not, whether you think of them for a short moment or whether you force yourself to push it away, you know deep down inside your missing it. and probably that longing won’t go away. when this thing is around for a year? for nearly two? how do you not have a hard time forgetting? this is what i ask myself, i try and tell myself ”it’s okay, he was big part of your life, for so long, give yourself a break” but i still hate myself every second thinking about him, for even writing now, i’ve told myself to hate, to forget, to let go. but when you tell yourself to do something, doesn’t mean your going to do it and i think you grow comfort in just the ‘telling’ and not the ‘doing’. and on the bad days, the bad weeks, which i’m currently enduring, you just, you want them back. you want just one phone call, one little conversation. you want the feeling of comfort you used to have, you want their surport back and everything else. but have to literally restrain yourself from picking up the phone, from sending a message or email. really, it tears you up, there is no other way to put it.
you know those days you just feel like falling apart? and that’s all you want to do. you just want to sit alone in your bed and cry. cry all of it out. cry whatever it is out. i used to cry all of the time, over little things, stupid things that upset me but at least i was letting it out. i try my hardest not to let things get to me now, whatever i feel, i fool myself into pushing it away. i hate feeling like i am vulnerable to someone. i hate the feeling that someone has the power to effect me emotionally. i can’t stand to put myself out there, throw myself into someone else’s arms unwillingly and not think about how i could get hurt. i am so damn cautious getting to know people, i can’t stand to let them see what i am inside. i have so many different things going on in my head, i can barely keep up. and i think i’ve even stoped wanting to keep up. i feel i am pretty dependant on other people. if from today i spent every day by myself, doing my own thing, i just couldnt manage. i feel like i have to at least have that one person. just one important person in my life. and i don’t mean friends, i dont exactly even mean a boyfriend. i think i mean, one boy, and i say boy because girls are full of drama and competition and rumors and jealously. of course, boys are too, well every’s full of that shit. but i want just a bestfriend. one boy to be by my side, to look after me, to be there with one phone call, someone i can just spend my time with, and be pure happy with. we could go on roadtrips, and get drunk on the weekends and just fall asleep together. not have sex, just sleep. just be with each other and know our friendship is enough. a boy who i could write songs with and to sing to me. someone i can be completly me with. i don’t really feel like i open up with girls, i don’t know why though. i just want someone who won’t get sick of me and only wants to be around me. and knowing myself, of course, i know i’d fall for this boy, because this is what i’ve always looked for in a guy. a bestfriend. and i’d be so in love with that. sure, being sixteen i wouldn’t know what love is, but i love the idea of it. and i do believe love is everything we need. so if youre out there, please find me, i really could use you at this point in my life
don’t you just feel like a complete idiot when you find yourself doing something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? or wouldn’t think about? when you promised yourself you wouldn’t rush into something, or get your hopes up. you just feel so dumb. and why? sure, i do it, most people do it, probably everyone at some point does this. but why do we end up feeling so bad about giving in to something we said we wouldn’t. obviously it must be something we want, something we want pretty bad to have to promise against it, don’t you think? and if we want that thing so bad, why do put our selfs down when we do the oppisite for one spilt second? so why do we try and go against our ture desires? it’s just stupid that sometimes we feel we can’t say what we really want to, or do what we really want to do. to express how we really feel about a situation, about a relationship, friendship, whatever. we shouldn’t have to punish ourselfs when we give in, when we say what’s really on our minds, so why do we? because we’re afraid of others reactions. because we’re afraid of rejection. we’re afraid of not being able to stop. we’re afraid of the hurt it may bring us. we’re afraid of being vulnerable. we’re afraid of the change. and sometimes we’re afraid to admit it. i don’t know why, but we are. we’re so afraid sometimes. certain things aren’t good for us, and we put that infront of us wanting it so it keeps us away. and i think that sucks, it really really sucks. that we call ourselves idiots for the things we want, for the things we feel. because it shouldn’t be that way at all. and i don’t understand how it’s became so daunting.
“if there was a god, i would spit in his face for subjecting me to this. if there was a devil, i would sell
him my soul to make it end. if there was something higher that controlled our individual fates, i would
tell it to take my fate and shove it up its fucking ass. shove it hard and far, you mother fucker”— A Million Little Peices
i think it’s so werid, that we sit around and ask questions like ”what’s the meaning of life?” i’m sitting here and i’m asking why we bother asking such a stupid question like that. why would you really want to know? you actually want to read bullshit about creation and what our purpose in life is? fuck off, as if. are we not enough overselves to define our own life? does it really matter ‘why’ we were put on this earth? no. live the life you want. do what you like doing. we can’t all really be that unmindful that we can’t define ourselves, and decide individually. focus on youre views on life, and not what some book says. i just feel that is really stupid, completely. but what do i know? i’m only young
don’t ask, because i have no idea what i am doing. not here nor anywhere. i’ve been having strange dreams lately, even after i wake up. and i can’t figure any of them out. well, everything is strange right now. i feel things changing, especially i feel myself chaging. but i don’t really know how to explain that feeling. i think it’s for the best, of course, but i also think it’ll involve me maybe drifting away from my friends a little or maybe even alot, after next year leaving school, while they stay. i can feel myself wanting to be okay with everything that’s happening, but i think there is a difference between wanting to be okay and acutally feeling okay about it all. but i am trying. and i’m happy with myself for trying. because in the past year i havn’t tryed to be anything, i’ve just let myself down, and let myself be sad. but as i said i’m changing, and i’ve realised if i let it make me unhappy, i will be. i’ve realised that putting youre self in situations where you’re open to saddness isn’t a good idea. if it effects you in a bad way, it’s probably not good for you, or will soon become bad for you anyway. i’m starting to look out for myself, and not stand for things i would have just put up with before. and for that, i am so happy with myself. and being happy with what you’re doing and how you’re doing it, matters before everything else. well, i think.